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V @ 20 – I choose to fight ’cause I chose to live

I declare this day as a typical day. Nothing spectacular happened – a very boring day. I was just letting the time passed by, seeing the sun roll his dawn and seeing the same faces all day. Just a same old monologue.

But anyway, despite of all those drama I am very much thankful for those ‘few’ people who reached me out through social media to greet me a ‘happy birthday’. For once, I felt special again by reading those lighthearted, kind, and sweet long messages.

In my 20 years of existence, I don’t have actually a vivid or even a very remarkable birthday celebrations.(except last year when I was surprised by my buds. Hi there!) Until years passed, my birthday just went like a ‘one day stardom’ which people get approachable, get sweet towards to you and mostly know you like you were bestfriend’s from very long time. I don’t have any agony towards the idea of birthday, it is actually a perfect time to be aware to the people who surrounds you – It may seems superficial but a single phrase of greetings or a ‘hug and kisses’ from people who actually care about you is a sign of there is actually someone seeing you as relevant being. Such sweet.

I really appreciate the kind words of my friends towards to me on aspect that actually people can do as well, receiving a compliments from somebody just because you help them to cope is immeasurable value – there is no equivalent of worth of money can meet the peak of lending your hands with others.

But in other corner of story; this year was quite rough for me. It may look not obvious but I know deep down within me how dark I went by throughout this year and this is actually challenging and very conceding phase of my life.
Many things I disclose to the people around me as I just only guarding myself from harm of judgements and stereotypes which is quite irony because I am the one who also push people to move forward without turning head back. Honestly, I already felt that kind of burden before which is not heavy per say and I can manage it all the time so maybe that’s why I’m keen to default myself with that perspective. But last month was different.

In my first week of second internship – I feel sad. Empty. And broke. I can’t understand myself – I easily got irritated but not kind of obvious one. I hate hearing complaints and attacks towards to me even though I know its only a joke. There is a time that even in my own house I felt disregarded which tend me to isolate myself in my bedroom then asking myself in my mind ‘what’s and if’s’ and after I just found out that I was crying. The heavy feeling of envy makes me weak and just triggered me to burst out my tears. Days passed the scenes continue, same dilemma occured and I wasn’t that kind engage on things I usually fun to do. Not that less but I know this was not me before.

I know and I’m aware that this is early symptoms of depression – I was not that indenial due to the fact that some of psychological problems are hereditary to our bloodlines. I have courage to seek for professional help but we are not that of people who can afford of hospital utilization.(Not playing pitiful)

I know there is more progression with my ailments plus I have many conplaints about some physical ailments I feel.

I hate seeing people in burden and I hate the idea that someday I will become a ‘burden’ to my family and honestly, I am now holding on now to the idea of miracle and God’s fate. This kind of situation, the battle will be me between myself. This is not a fair game but I need to fight to live.

I have many plans for me, to others and to my family. But this is the toughest fight I will knocking on.

Prayers is the only means to endure this war. I hope that this coming year 2018 is better year for me and for us.

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Monologue #4

In the midst of cold hazy breeze
Your embrace is my favorite source of heat
Every friction of you is wonderful
Even your hands are rough as sand dunes

The way your palm run through my skin
How slickly your love pampered my delicate sin
Even my body is shaking with fear
Still, you are my favorite form of catastrophe

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Monologue #3

We’re naturally born “unique”, and we can do something “extraordinary”. But to be  “unusual” is  exceptional. What are things makes us unusual? I have no idea. However, All I know is being unusal is absolute, not for all but for the few who look deeper to you.

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She’s no longer inlove with you 

The ecstacy of love was the reason why she kept holding on before

She too dumb fighting for you

Believing one way or somehow you change

Prolonging her patience with your stuborness

She’s keeping herself low-key with non-sense arguments

Playing non-chalant in every careless words you’ve said

Holding back her tears after you chat her off

She’s putting aside her intuition

She’s dodging the bullets of cheats

She’s swallowing her pride and your sweet lies

She’s making herself blind not to see your vices

She’s martyr per say

But one night, from her long crawl of sadness — she took a glance to look at the mirror

Sought her own reflection tired and blue

Her eyes are burned from long sober

Her skin was dried like a petal of white rose unwatered

She realized that she lost her soul

Her beauty and her grace

And now the pang of tiredness shivering throughout her body

The coldness embracing her heart

“The time has come….” she said on her mind

“All I want is someone to love me back” she added while a single tear flowing through her delicate cheek

She picked up the phone and send a reply

“I’m leaving you not to set you free, but to emancipate myself from the slavery of your love. I don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve me.”

With no assurance, she geared up herself to embrace positivity when the dusk come.

And now, you kneeling on the ground begging her to come back

But she said “Enough! I’m done.”

Her heart is not that slick for you unlike before, your new sweet dispositions never occur to her

You ignoring her love and efforts

And now she’s rejecting you without being relentless

Frustrated? That is the aftertaste of your being insensitive

The feeling of unappreciated and unwanted ~~ it hurts

She’s no longer inlove with you

You are nothing now


Because the best way for her to be happy is letting herself go from you

Because you are a living hell

A boy who puts someone hearts into burden.