I declare this day as a typical day. Nothing spectacular happened – a very boring day. I was just letting the time passed by, seeing the sun roll his dawn and seeing the same faces all day. Just a same old monologue.
But anyway, despite of all those drama I am very much thankful for those ‘few’ people who reached me out through social media to greet me a ‘happy birthday’. For once, I felt special again by reading those lighthearted, kind, and sweet long messages.
In my 20 years of existence, I don’t have actually a vivid or even a very remarkable birthday celebrations.(except last year when I was surprised by my buds. Hi there!) Until years passed, my birthday just went like a ‘one day stardom’ which people get approachable, get sweet towards to you and mostly know you like you were bestfriend’s from very long time. I don’t have any agony towards the idea of birthday, it is actually a perfect time to be aware to the people who surrounds you – It may seems superficial but a single phrase of greetings or a ‘hug and kisses’ from people who actually care about you is a sign of there is actually someone seeing you as relevant being. Such sweet.
I really appreciate the kind words of my friends towards to me on aspect that actually people can do as well, receiving a compliments from somebody just because you help them to cope is immeasurable value – there is no equivalent of worth of money can meet the peak of lending your hands with others.
But in other corner of story; this year was quite rough for me. It may look not obvious but I know deep down within me how dark I went by throughout this year and this is actually challenging and very conceding phase of my life.
Many things I disclose to the people around me as I just only guarding myself from harm of judgements and stereotypes which is quite irony because I am the one who also push people to move forward without turning head back. Honestly, I already felt that kind of burden before which is not heavy per say and I can manage it all the time so maybe that’s why I’m keen to default myself with that perspective. But last month was different.
In my first week of second internship – I feel sad. Empty. And broke. I can’t understand myself – I easily got irritated but not kind of obvious one. I hate hearing complaints and attacks towards to me even though I know its only a joke. There is a time that even in my own house I felt disregarded which tend me to isolate myself in my bedroom then asking myself in my mind ‘what’s and if’s’ and after I just found out that I was crying. The heavy feeling of envy makes me weak and just triggered me to burst out my tears. Days passed the scenes continue, same dilemma occured and I wasn’t that kind engage on things I usually fun to do. Not that less but I know this was not me before.
I know and I’m aware that this is early symptoms of depression – I was not that indenial due to the fact that some of psychological problems are hereditary to our bloodlines. I have courage to seek for professional help but we are not that of people who can afford of hospital utilization.(Not playing pitiful)
I know there is more progression with my ailments plus I have many conplaints about some physical ailments I feel.
I hate seeing people in burden and I hate the idea that someday I will become a ‘burden’ to my family and honestly, I am now holding on now to the idea of miracle and God’s fate. This kind of situation, the battle will be me between myself. This is not a fair game but I need to fight to live.
I have many plans for me, to others and to my family. But this is the toughest fight I will knocking on.
Prayers is the only means to endure this war. I hope that this coming year 2018 is better year for me and for us.