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If I Die Young

I always mentioned and vainly express how blessed I am to have graceful life. I will never get tire to thank God how grateful I am to have these chances of witnessing the beauty of world by my naked eyes. But then on the shady side of story, I feel sorry to people who lose their chances; to be happy, to chase their dream,to found finally their better half and grow old.

I always picturing myself everytime I have this spare time to reflect on my room and I can’t help asking myself that despite of my fortune to witness the beauty of life and world, still, I’m in that in-between of whether I’ve pay enough some kindness back to people surrounds me and also to the one who create us – who bring us life – God. Thus, I know I’ve already done remarkable things though and it may look not relevant or splendid but I know the efforts for that and I know it seems right without people eyes stereotypes.

Many reasons to be happy and to live; and there’s always one reason to swipe it away. No particular warning and the consequences will depend on the action we’ve made.

I wanted to knew the idea of leaving the world where there is hate, discrimination, righteous incrimination, subjecting people because of their tastes and races exist. In short, what will be the life of the other world? Because I’m already fed up to understand them. To demonstrate them how respect others vices.

We are afraid of death. Quite true, right? But I wonder, What is the beauty beneath it. There is always a beauty after disaster, right? Regardless of biblical ideology or prophet preaches. What are the vogues of death. Don’t get me wrong, it seem not right but then not bad for somebody to look forward on their death, right? People tend to look upon the idea of death as despair – I don’t get it, but for me it is just another hindrances in life into whole new level. If I will given a chance to make two choices in some critical moment maybe I will choose death.

I just to inform and clarify you things. I’m a simple person with full of complicated fascination on everything; I also demote the idea of suicide. But I emphatically get why they tend to chose the idea of cutting the rope of their lives. Thus, looking for another space they can actually fits in. To be themselves without prejudice and bad judgments

Well maybe for somebody this absurd and I respect your opinion. You can call me crazy or any insults towards to me but I really don’t care.

I will always love the idea of life, but death is another form of life – still you had a life, with a ‘little’ nasty scootch.

Don’t worry, I will never end my life like I’m hopeless and bargaining  it up with no worries. I’m just preparing to that ‘what if’.

But here’s one thing, if ever that ‘moment’ of truth came and supposed that I am late to ask for forgiveness and prayers; it is unpredictable to know our life approximates – any time we can draw out our breath and God will redeemed what we borrowed to him by  tomorrow, later a minute or just a snap of fingers and a like without prior and tentative notice. As I am not articulate to express myself vocally  I will beg and ask God to take a glance on my blog. Particularly to this post.

Somehow this would be my prayer:

God thank you for the life and chances you given to me

It might look deceiving to you but all of words here are true

Countless time I’ve questioned the existance of your  power and will;

how you should justly dispersed your love

asking why  I feel excluded to your grace

feel guilty and regretful  for being discreet with my faith to your will;

and despising your preaches.

Lord, If you given me a chance to know you more

Please enlighten me to the random monologues I wanted to know 

The importance of your salvation,

How your prayers really works

How’s your love has greater than anything

And then, nonetheless I will ask for forgiveness:

On the remorse I heckles proud with.

And if you think I’m not deserve to your kingdom

If you see I’m not deserve for second life

You’re free to struck your retribution to me.

But if you let me crawl for another chance

I will never waste the time

to feel the bliss of breathe

to scorch of the ground of earthy bed

and permitting you to do anything for me

In your grace, I will surrender everything

Amen. 

 

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Monologue #3

We’re naturally born “unique”, and we can do something “extraordinary”. But to be  “unusual” is  exceptional. What are things makes us unusual? I have no idea. However, All I know is being unusal is absolute, not for all but for the few who look deeper to you.

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She’s no longer inlove with you 

The ecstacy of love was the reason why she kept holding on before

She too dumb fighting for you

Believing one way or somehow you change

Prolonging her patience with your stuborness

She’s keeping herself low-key with non-sense arguments

Playing non-chalant in every careless words you’ve said

Holding back her tears after you chat her off

She’s putting aside her intuition

She’s dodging the bullets of cheats

She’s swallowing her pride and your sweet lies

She’s making herself blind not to see your vices

She’s martyr per say

But one night, from her long crawl of sadness — she took a glance to look at the mirror

Sought her own reflection tired and blue

Her eyes are burned from long sober

Her skin was dried like a petal of white rose unwatered

She realized that she lost her soul

Her beauty and her grace

And now the pang of tiredness shivering throughout her body

The coldness embracing her heart

“The time has come….” she said on her mind

“All I want is someone to love me back” she added while a single tear flowing through her delicate cheek

She picked up the phone and send a reply

“I’m leaving you not to set you free, but to emancipate myself from the slavery of your love. I don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve me.”

With no assurance, she geared up herself to embrace positivity when the dusk come.

And now, you kneeling on the ground begging her to come back

But she said “Enough! I’m done.”

Her heart is not that slick for you unlike before, your new sweet dispositions never occur to her

You ignoring her love and efforts

And now she’s rejecting you without being relentless

Frustrated? That is the aftertaste of your being insensitive

The feeling of unappreciated and unwanted ~~ it hurts

She’s no longer inlove with you

You are nothing now

Nothing…

Because the best way for her to be happy is letting herself go from you

Because you are a living hell

A boy who puts someone hearts into burden.

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QVS Random

You saved me 

May I call you my great messiah?

Who saved me from nightmare of past

That turn my pain into hope

You let me shed into your home 

That only few can make through on your comfort zone

May I consider myself lucky? By the way 

You turn my melancholy into non-chalant

And you taught me again to breathe the bliss

And get a perfect space to fits and live with peace

break-up · broken · LGBT · Long Distance Relationship · Love · Love Advice · Poem · Quotation · Quote · Random Thoughts · relationship · Uncategorized

The “Whys?”

I’m just done watching My Ex and Whys .(Our Local Movie here in Philippines  – if you mind to watch it eventually, search it with english subtitles) Even though I’m not kind of person who patronized cliché  filipino movies, I can’t also deny that few of them somehow a little brilliant on different horizon.

My Ex and Whys  depicts obviously all about a second time around, a conflict get cleared between former lovers that eventually getting back in the end ( happy endings LoL ). But mostly it’s all about a promise you abode but failed to commit. Taking risk to trust again – Broken promises in short. But the things really caught me and get me into a tearjerking state was the line – a questions lingering by the main character, who suffering from pain of dishonesty and cheating. A questions about what things she miss or insufficient to exert. And a questions why she need to suffer with those pain? To point it affects the way she lived and perceived.
You know, I’m actually on that present state (kind of) – many questions buggling me through my head and a little intution. In my case, although I’ve had enough with him already, accepted the reality, and forgave him to things  he’d done to me ( even though he never say sorry to me. Well,idk if he’s playing non-chalant or naive or just an ordinary f*ckboy ) I’m still asking myself why he need to do that to me? I just want to spill out the beans and ask many things but I don’t know how to begin. It’s not easy on my part – I’m still in pain every time I see him, feeling his presence on my premises , and hearing his name spoken by somebody.

But the movie taught me as well that instead asking yourself different questions, don’t look the answer that it will just hurt you or not – but live like the answer just always in front of you. Live because you are the answer. Because we are the better half of somebody – a missing chunk of ones life.

Because of that,I’m sound pity but I believe time heal me, little by little. And somehow worthy to my heart and trust.

He is ideal, the one I was dreaming about, my ideal type of relationship and I though that would be – but he just tore it. He demobilized my perfect fantasy and he turn it into surreality. Bad. Oh well, I don’t need to think about it anymore (I guess). But I know, I’m a good sport I keen myself in good disposition in all circumstances.

I’m okay. I know that – it’s time to “REALLY” let him go. Thank You my ex and whys (drama..).

Just last word. Don’t afraid to be hurt again.