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V @ 20 – I choose to fight ’cause I chose to live

I declare this day as a typical day. Nothing spectacular happened – a very boring day. I was just letting the time passed by, seeing the sun roll his dawn and seeing the same faces all day. Just a same old monologue.

But anyway, despite of all those drama I am very much thankful for those ‘few’ people who reached me out through social media to greet me a ‘happy birthday’. For once, I felt special again by reading those lighthearted, kind, and sweet long messages.

In my 20 years of existence, I don’t have actually a vivid or even a very remarkable birthday celebrations.(except last year when I was surprised by my buds. Hi there!) Until years passed, my birthday just went like a ‘one day stardom’ which people get approachable, get sweet towards to you and mostly know you like you were bestfriend’s from very long time. I don’t have any agony towards the idea of birthday, it is actually a perfect time to be aware to the people who surrounds you – It may seems superficial but a single phrase of greetings or a ‘hug and kisses’ from people who actually care about you is a sign of there is actually someone seeing you as relevant being. Such sweet.

I really appreciate the kind words of my friends towards to me on aspect that actually people can do as well, receiving a compliments from somebody just because you help them to cope is immeasurable value – there is no equivalent of worth of money can meet the peak of lending your hands with others.

But in other corner of story; this year was quite rough for me. It may look not obvious but I know deep down within me how dark I went by throughout this year and this is actually challenging and very conceding phase of my life.
Many things I disclose to the people around me as I just only guarding myself from harm of judgements and stereotypes which is quite irony because I am the one who also push people to move forward without turning head back. Honestly, I already felt that kind of burden before which is not heavy per say and I can manage it all the time so maybe that’s why I’m keen to default myself with that perspective. But last month was different.

In my first week of second internship – I feel sad. Empty. And broke. I can’t understand myself – I easily got irritated but not kind of obvious one. I hate hearing complaints and attacks towards to me even though I know its only a joke. There is a time that even in my own house I felt disregarded which tend me to isolate myself in my bedroom then asking myself in my mind ‘what’s and if’s’ and after I just found out that I was crying. The heavy feeling of envy makes me weak and just triggered me to burst out my tears. Days passed the scenes continue, same dilemma occured and I wasn’t that kind engage on things I usually fun to do. Not that less but I know this was not me before.

I know and I’m aware that this is early symptoms of depression – I was not that indenial due to the fact that some of psychological problems are hereditary to our bloodlines. I have courage to seek for professional help but we are not that of people who can afford of hospital utilization.(Not playing pitiful)

I know there is more progression with my ailments plus I have many conplaints about some physical ailments I feel.

I hate seeing people in burden and I hate the idea that someday I will become a ‘burden’ to my family and honestly, I am now holding on now to the idea of miracle and God’s fate. This kind of situation, the battle will be me between myself. This is not a fair game but I need to fight to live.

I have many plans for me, to others and to my family. But this is the toughest fight I will knocking on.

Prayers is the only means to endure this war. I hope that this coming year 2018 is better year for me and for us.

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If I Die Young

I always mentioned and vainly express how blessed I am to have graceful life. I will never get tire to thank God how grateful I am to have these chances of witnessing the beauty of world by my naked eyes. But then on the shady side of story, I feel sorry to people who lose their chances; to be happy, to chase their dream,to found finally their better half and grow old.

I always picturing myself everytime I have this spare time to reflect on my room and I can’t help asking myself that despite of my fortune to witness the beauty of life and world, still, I’m in that in-between of whether I’ve pay enough some kindness back to people surrounds me and also to the one who create us – who bring us life – God. Thus, I know I’ve already done remarkable things though and it may look not relevant or splendid but I know the efforts for that and I know it seems right without people eyes stereotypes.

Many reasons to be happy and to live; and there’s always one reason to swipe it away. No particular warning and the consequences will depend on the action we’ve made.

I wanted to knew the idea of leaving the world where there is hate, discrimination, righteous incrimination, subjecting people because of their tastes and races exist. In short, what will be the life of the other world? Because I’m already fed up to understand them. To demonstrate them how respect others vices.

We are afraid of death. Quite true, right? But I wonder, What is the beauty beneath it. There is always a beauty after disaster, right? Regardless of biblical ideology or prophet preaches. What are the vogues of death. Don’t get me wrong, it seem not right but then not bad for somebody to look forward on their death, right? People tend to look upon the idea of death as despair – I don’t get it, but for me it is just another hindrances in life into whole new level. If I will given a chance to make two choices in some critical moment maybe I will choose death.

I just to inform and clarify you things. I’m a simple person with full of complicated fascination on everything; I also demote the idea of suicide. But I emphatically get why they tend to chose the idea of cutting the rope of their lives. Thus, looking for another space they can actually fits in. To be themselves without prejudice and bad judgments

Well maybe for somebody this absurd and I respect your opinion. You can call me crazy or any insults towards to me but I really don’t care.

I will always love the idea of life, but death is another form of life – still you had a life, with a ‘little’ nasty scootch.

Don’t worry, I will never end my life like I’m hopeless and bargaining  it up with no worries. I’m just preparing to that ‘what if’.

But here’s one thing, if ever that ‘moment’ of truth came and supposed that I am late to ask for forgiveness and prayers; it is unpredictable to know our life approximates – any time we can draw out our breath and God will redeemed what we borrowed to him by  tomorrow, later a minute or just a snap of fingers and a like without prior and tentative notice. As I am not articulate to express myself vocally  I will beg and ask God to take a glance on my blog. Particularly to this post.

Somehow this would be my prayer:

God thank you for the life and chances you given to me

It might look deceiving to you but all of words here are true

Countless time I’ve questioned the existance of your  power and will;

how you should justly dispersed your love

asking why  I feel excluded to your grace

feel guilty and regretful  for being discreet with my faith to your will;

and despising your preaches.

Lord, If you given me a chance to know you more

Please enlighten me to the random monologues I wanted to know 

The importance of your salvation,

How your prayers really works

How’s your love has greater than anything

And then, nonetheless I will ask for forgiveness:

On the remorse I heckles proud with.

And if you think I’m not deserve to your kingdom

If you see I’m not deserve for second life

You’re free to struck your retribution to me.

But if you let me crawl for another chance

I will never waste the time

to feel the bliss of breathe

to scorch of the ground of earthy bed

and permitting you to do anything for me

In your grace, I will surrender everything



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Monologue #3

We’re naturally born “unique”, and we can do something “extraordinary”. But to be  “unusual” is  exceptional. What are things makes us unusual? I have no idea. However, All I know is being unusal is absolute, not for all but for the few who look deeper to you.

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She’s no longer inlove with you 

The ecstacy of love was the reason why she kept holding on before

She too dumb fighting for you

Believing one way or somehow you change

Prolonging her patience with your stuborness

She’s keeping herself low-key with non-sense arguments

Playing non-chalant in every careless words you’ve said

Holding back her tears after you chat her off

She’s putting aside her intuition

She’s dodging the bullets of cheats

She’s swallowing her pride and your sweet lies

She’s making herself blind not to see your vices

She’s martyr per say

But one night, from her long crawl of sadness — she took a glance to look at the mirror

Sought her own reflection tired and blue

Her eyes are burned from long sober

Her skin was dried like a petal of white rose unwatered

She realized that she lost her soul

Her beauty and her grace

And now the pang of tiredness shivering throughout her body

The coldness embracing her heart

“The time has come….” she said on her mind

“All I want is someone to love me back” she added while a single tear flowing through her delicate cheek

She picked up the phone and send a reply

“I’m leaving you not to set you free, but to emancipate myself from the slavery of your love. I don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve me.”

With no assurance, she geared up herself to embrace positivity when the dusk come.

And now, you kneeling on the ground begging her to come back

But she said “Enough! I’m done.”

Her heart is not that slick for you unlike before, your new sweet dispositions never occur to her

You ignoring her love and efforts

And now she’s rejecting you without being relentless

Frustrated? That is the aftertaste of your being insensitive

The feeling of unappreciated and unwanted ~~ it hurts

She’s no longer inlove with you

You are nothing now


Because the best way for her to be happy is letting herself go from you

Because you are a living hell

A boy who puts someone hearts into burden.

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QVS Random

You saved me 

May I call you my great messiah?

Who saved me from nightmare of past

That turn my pain into hope

You let me shed into your home 

That only few can make through on your comfort zone

May I consider myself lucky? By the way 

You turn my melancholy into non-chalant

And you taught me again to breathe the bliss

And get a perfect space to fits and live with peace