You are just one block away from me but why I feel so distant to you?
I declare this day as a typical day. Nothing spectacular happened – a very boring day. I was just letting the time passed by, seeing the sun roll his dawn and seeing the same faces all day. Just a same old monologue.
But anyway, despite of all those drama I am very much thankful for those ‘few’ people who reached me out through social media to greet me a ‘happy birthday’. For once, I felt special again by reading those lighthearted, kind, and sweet long messages.
In my 20 years of existence, I don’t have actually a vivid or even a very remarkable birthday celebrations.(except last year when I was surprised by my buds. Hi there!) Until years passed, my birthday just went like a ‘one day stardom’ which people get approachable, get sweet towards to you and mostly know you like you were bestfriend’s from very long time. I don’t have any agony towards the idea of birthday, it is actually a perfect time to be aware to the people who surrounds you – It may seems superficial but a single phrase of greetings or a ‘hug and kisses’ from people who actually care about you is a sign of there is actually someone seeing you as relevant being. Such sweet.
I really appreciate the kind words of my friends towards to me on aspect that actually people can do as well, receiving a compliments from somebody just because you help them to cope is immeasurable value – there is no equivalent of worth of money can meet the peak of lending your hands with others.
But in other corner of story; this year was quite rough for me. It may look not obvious but I know deep down within me how dark I went by throughout this year and this is actually challenging and very conceding phase of my life.
Many things I disclose to the people around me as I just only guarding myself from harm of judgements and stereotypes which is quite irony because I am the one who also push people to move forward without turning head back. Honestly, I already felt that kind of burden before which is not heavy per say and I can manage it all the time so maybe that’s why I’m keen to default myself with that perspective. But last month was different.
In my first week of second internship – I feel sad. Empty. And broke. I can’t understand myself – I easily got irritated but not kind of obvious one. I hate hearing complaints and attacks towards to me even though I know its only a joke. There is a time that even in my own house I felt disregarded which tend me to isolate myself in my bedroom then asking myself in my mind ‘what’s and if’s’ and after I just found out that I was crying. The heavy feeling of envy makes me weak and just triggered me to burst out my tears. Days passed the scenes continue, same dilemma occured and I wasn’t that kind engage on things I usually fun to do. Not that less but I know this was not me before.
I know and I’m aware that this is early symptoms of depression – I was not that indenial due to the fact that some of psychological problems are hereditary to our bloodlines. I have courage to seek for professional help but we are not that of people who can afford of hospital utilization.(Not playing pitiful)
I know there is more progression with my ailments plus I have many conplaints about some physical ailments I feel.
I hate seeing people in burden and I hate the idea that someday I will become a ‘burden’ to my family and honestly, I am now holding on now to the idea of miracle and God’s fate. This kind of situation, the battle will be me between myself. This is not a fair game but I need to fight to live.
I have many plans for me, to others and to my family. But this is the toughest fight I will knocking on.
Prayers is the only means to endure this war. I hope that this coming year 2018 is better year for me and for us.
I always mentioned and vainly express how blessed I am to have graceful life. I will never get tire to thank God how grateful I am to have these chances of witnessing the beauty of world by my naked eyes. But then on the shady side of story, I feel sorry to people who lose their chances; to be happy, to chase their dream,to found finally their better half and grow old.
I always picturing myself everytime I have this spare time to reflect on my room and I can’t help asking myself that despite of my fortune to witness the beauty of life and world, still, I’m in that in-between of whether I’ve pay enough some kindness back to people surrounds me and also to the one who create us – who bring us life – God. Thus, I know I’ve already done remarkable things though and it may look not relevant or splendid but I know the efforts for that and I know it seems right without people eyes stereotypes.
Many reasons to be happy and to live; and there’s always one reason to swipe it away. No particular warning and the consequences will depend on the action we’ve made.
I wanted to knew the idea of leaving the world where there is hate, discrimination, righteous incrimination, subjecting people because of their tastes and races exist. In short, what will be the life of the other world? Because I’m already fed up to understand them. To demonstrate them how respect others vices.
We are afraid of death. Quite true, right? But I wonder, What is the beauty beneath it. There is always a beauty after disaster, right? Regardless of biblical ideology or prophet preaches. What are the vogues of death. Don’t get me wrong, it seem not right but then not bad for somebody to look forward on their death, right? People tend to look upon the idea of death as despair – I don’t get it, but for me it is just another hindrances in life into whole new level. If I will given a chance to make two choices in some critical moment maybe I will choose death.
I just to inform and clarify you things. I’m a simple person with full of complicated fascination on everything; I also demote the idea of suicide. But I emphatically get why they tend to chose the idea of cutting the rope of their lives. Thus, looking for another space they can actually fits in. To be themselves without prejudice and bad judgments
Well maybe for somebody this absurd and I respect your opinion. You can call me crazy or any insults towards to me but I really don’t care.
I will always love the idea of life, but death is another form of life – still you had a life, with a ‘little’ nasty scootch.
Don’t worry, I will never end my life like I’m hopeless and bargaining it up with no worries. I’m just preparing to that ‘what if’.
But here’s one thing, if ever that ‘moment’ of truth came and supposed that I am late to ask for forgiveness and prayers; it is unpredictable to know our life approximates – any time we can draw out our breath and God will redeemed what we borrowed to him by tomorrow, later a minute or just a snap of fingers and a like without prior and tentative notice. As I am not articulate to express myself vocally I will beg and ask God to take a glance on my blog. Particularly to this post.
Somehow this would be my prayer:
God thank you for the life and chances you given to me
It might look deceiving to you but all of words here are true
Countless time I’ve questioned the existance of your power and will;
how you should justly dispersed your love
asking why I feel excluded to your grace
feel guilty and regretful for being discreet with my faith to your will;
and despising your preaches.
Lord, If you given me a chance to know you more
Please enlighten me to the random monologues I wanted to know
The importance of your salvation,
How your prayers really works
How’s your love has greater than anything
And then, nonetheless I will ask for forgiveness:
On the remorse I heckles proud with.
And if you think I’m not deserve to your kingdom
If you see I’m not deserve for second life
You’re free to struck your retribution to me.
But if you let me crawl for another chance
I will never waste the time
to feel the bliss of breathe
to scorch of the ground of earthy bed
and permitting you to do anything for me
In your grace, I will surrender everything
We’re naturally born “unique”, and we can do something “extraordinary”. But to be “unusual” is exceptional. What are things makes us unusual? I have no idea. However, All I know is being unusal is absolute, not for all but for the few who look deeper to you.
The ecstacy of love was the reason why she kept holding on before
She too dumb fighting for you
Believing one way or somehow you change
Prolonging her patience with your stuborness
She’s keeping herself low-key with non-sense arguments
Playing non-chalant in every careless words you’ve said
Holding back her tears after you chat her off
She’s putting aside her intuition
She’s dodging the bullets of cheats
She’s swallowing her pride and your sweet lies
She’s making herself blind not to see your vices
She’s martyr per say
But one night, from her long crawl of sadness — she took a glance to look at the mirror
Sought her own reflection tired and blue
Her eyes are burned from long sober
Her skin was dried like a petal of white rose unwatered
She realized that she lost her soul
Her beauty and her grace
And now the pang of tiredness shivering throughout her body
The coldness embracing her heart
“The time has come….” she said on her mind
“All I want is someone to love me back” she added while a single tear flowing through her delicate cheek
She picked up the phone and send a reply
“I’m leaving you not to set you free, but to emancipate myself from the slavery of your love. I don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve me.”
With no assurance, she geared up herself to embrace positivity when the dusk come.
And now, you kneeling on the ground begging her to come back
But she said “Enough! I’m done.”
Her heart is not that slick for you unlike before, your new sweet dispositions never occur to her
You ignoring her love and efforts
And now she’s rejecting you without being relentless
Frustrated? That is the aftertaste of your being insensitive
The feeling of unappreciated and unwanted ~~ it hurts
She’s no longer inlove with you
You are nothing now
Because the best way for her to be happy is letting herself go from you
Because you are a living hell
A boy who puts someone hearts into burden.
You saved me
May I call you my great messiah?
Who saved me from nightmare of past
That turn my pain into hope
You let me shed into your home
That only few can make through on your comfort zone
May I consider myself lucky? By the way
You turn my melancholy into non-chalant
And you taught me again to breathe the bliss
And get a perfect space to fits and live with peace
Heal me from the sorrow I’ve been
Heal me from bullets I’d try to dodge
Heal me from putting my heart broke into pieces
Heal me to be a new version of me
And heal me from nostalgic memories taunting me every moment.