Spiritual Balance

I am Catholic ever since. I haven’t regretted it in any way. Although I’d been skeptic sometimes about the philosophies preached by the priest and by the commission itself who institutionalized the catholicism still not necessarily mean I condemning it. Maybe because I’m still on a cloud of wanders and yearned to hear or read answers from them like enlightenment to all my doubts.
I often attended on a mass. Like once or twice a month. Because I’m too busy with my academics and sparing some leisure every free time and if ever I had spare time especially weekends, I rather choose to stay at home to rest. You can’t blame me, but I know it’s not an excuse to miss a mass once in a week but…. Never mind…. Okay! I get lazy..
In other side of story, a week before last week, I’ve been invited by a ‘friend’ we met on the office wherein I’m taking my internship to their ‘church’. As a requisite to develop relation with others, I must engage myself to socialised. Not new to me because I love meeting new people. He’s a ‘Christian’ by the way, and not really sure if he already got baptized but I assumed he was because of the fact that he’d been there for years and I’ve witnessed how strong the devotion he got – hands down. He’s a soft spoken one, not handsome but charming especially when he’s wearing eye glasses, he is kind and modest. Its hard to say ‘no’ to his invitation because of his pleasable personality and I have no choice and I took the risk and perhaps this be a chance and the perfect time to knew how the Christians conduct their mass.
When I arrived to their church which is like a rented space on a commercial establishment (which is yes but not accurately sure), I noticed the crowd of people gearing themselves for the activity. Most of them are tweens, teens and some pre-adults. Before the mass started,  the guy who invited me introduced me to his churchmates. Like him, they are very articulate, soft spoken, very welcoming and somehow a little bit fragile so I know blatant jokes is not appropriate to them. Over all, they are hospitable to their guests.
The program begun with three hill songs playing by the bands while the lights were dimmed and only colorful strobelights ruling the room. I don’t know those songs but the rhythm and lyrics was very easy to familiarized because it’s too repetitive. Unlike in Catholic when the mass will start with song sang by the choirs while the priest is marching from the entrance towards the altar, the Christians starts their mass by singing for glory to the Lord with very lively band. While I’m roaming my eyes on the room, I saw different people with one vision. People with very deep devotion to God singing along while their hands threw up high making me feel awkward. Frankly, I feel ashamed to myself not because I’m not doing what were they usually do but because of one question starts to linger after I saw those people,  ‘Do I ever become a good catholic?’
That was the moment for the first time I started to measure my faith; to question whether I’ve been good devotee and It feels like I’m a black sheep on that room and honestly, I wanted to walk out but no stamina running through my veins. I have no choice but to stay.
While we are waiting for the Pastor’s arrival, some reminders and announcement about future activities like ‘encounters’ took place.
I see different people with the same smile draws in their mouth. A smile full of positivity and light heartedment.
Thereafter, the Pastor arrives to start. Unlike in Catholic with first and second reading before the final verse being read then the homily of the priest will took place. The Christian’s stick only with one verse. The sermon or preach of Pastor took for about 1 hour and 30 minutes approximated. Unlike in Catholic, sometimes the homily only took about 15 minutes. The mass of Christians takes about 2 hours.
I can say they differs on approach to bring gospel to the followers and Christians give that far beyond than Catholic. They are much detailed and concise and easy to comprehend.  But then they were same in somes. The aim is to bring God closer to people.
Back to idea, so while the Pastor is preaching about ‘love’ I’d realised many things not only about the topic of love but beyond of who am I as a human, a sinner, to God and to others. That was the first time I’d reflect, and I’m emotionally attacked by that. Realisation hits me.
Eventhough that ‘Church’ gave me a reason to realize and reflect to myself, I never felt that I’m belong there. I have no against with them for clarity, the fact that they made me understand why I should create a strong relation to my spiritual being is already a greatest gift of enlightenment. They help me to awake my drowzy faith.
I think we don’t need to reach the point wherein we should convert our religion to feel the power of love of God. I feel something missing inside me and having a ‘title’ may never help either. It wont defy’s your/our/my faith to God. Therefore, I change for sake of God and me.
For now, I’m starting to change myself. A little step at the time. It may hard in first but ample to manage it. I never hasten everything so it may result with very fluid outcome.
Here’s one thing, we should not be just physically healthy, we must also spiritually peaceful so the balance of life will prevail.
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V @ 20 – I choose to fight ’cause I chose to live

I declare this day as a typical day. Nothing spectacular happened – a very boring day. I was just letting the time passed by, seeing the sun roll his dawn and seeing the same faces all day. Just a same old monologue.

But anyway, despite of all those drama I am very much thankful for those ‘few’ people who reached me out through social media to greet me a ‘happy birthday’. For once, I felt special again by reading those lighthearted, kind, and sweet long messages.

In my 20 years of existence, I don’t have actually a vivid or even a very remarkable birthday celebrations.(except last year when I was surprised by my buds. Hi there!) Until years passed, my birthday just went like a ‘one day stardom’ which people get approachable, get sweet towards to you and mostly know you like you were bestfriend’s from very long time. I don’t have any agony towards the idea of birthday, it is actually a perfect time to be aware to the people who surrounds you – It may seems superficial but a single phrase of greetings or a ‘hug and kisses’ from people who actually care about you is a sign of there is actually someone seeing you as relevant being. Such sweet.

I really appreciate the kind words of my friends towards to me on aspect that actually people can do as well, receiving a compliments from somebody just because you help them to cope is immeasurable value – there is no equivalent of worth of money can meet the peak of lending your hands with others.

But in other corner of story; this year was quite rough for me. It may look not obvious but I know deep down within me how dark I went by throughout this year and this is actually challenging and very conceding phase of my life.
Many things I disclose to the people around me as I just only guarding myself from harm of judgements and stereotypes which is quite irony because I am the one who also push people to move forward without turning head back. Honestly, I already felt that kind of burden before which is not heavy per say and I can manage it all the time so maybe that’s why I’m keen to default myself with that perspective. But last month was different.

In my first week of second internship – I feel sad. Empty. And broke. I can’t understand myself – I easily got irritated but not kind of obvious one. I hate hearing complaints and attacks towards to me even though I know its only a joke. There is a time that even in my own house I felt disregarded which tend me to isolate myself in my bedroom then asking myself in my mind ‘what’s and if’s’ and after I just found out that I was crying. The heavy feeling of envy makes me weak and just triggered me to burst out my tears. Days passed the scenes continue, same dilemma occured and I wasn’t that kind engage on things I usually fun to do. Not that less but I know this was not me before.

I know and I’m aware that this is early symptoms of depression – I was not that indenial due to the fact that some of psychological problems are hereditary to our bloodlines. I have courage to seek for professional help but we are not that of people who can afford of hospital utilization.(Not playing pitiful)

I know there is more progression with my ailments plus I have many conplaints about some physical ailments I feel.

I hate seeing people in burden and I hate the idea that someday I will become a ‘burden’ to my family and honestly, I am now holding on now to the idea of miracle and God’s fate. This kind of situation, the battle will be me between myself. This is not a fair game but I need to fight to live.

I have many plans for me, to others and to my family. But this is the toughest fight I will knocking on.

Prayers is the only means to endure this war. I hope that this coming year 2018 is better year for me and for us.

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Monologue #4

In the midst of cold hazy breeze
Your embrace is my favorite source of heat
Every friction of you is wonderful
Even your hands are rough as sand dunes

The way your palm run through my skin
How slickly your love pampered my delicate sin
Even my body is shaking with fear
Still, you are my favorite form of catastrophe


Do I Still Have a Worth?

Growing up in not-so-perfectly intact family is hard. Pride always conquer ever hiatus and misunderstanding making the openness of every family member got compromised.

I’m in in-between of having a broken yet happy family or to be an orphan rather than had been desolated with this kind of convention wherein physically complete but soulfully divided. Sometimes I felt that I’m not part of this inclusive. Is it weird to say that I’m wishing for a plot twist of me being confessed that I’m actually adopted and suddenly my real family is ready and looking around me all over the years after I was given to my present mother who adopted me. I know its absurd but can you blame me?

I want to be freed with this chain of apathy from my own family. That ventillating your grief labeled as drama. In short, that kind of stereotypes of my family making my anxiety more depressive. I don’t know if they actually helpin’ or encouraging me or they are just like somebody out there that people’s disaster is their source of past time entertainment.

People are superficial, they will advised you that ‘you should tell it to your family’ but those tips making me pressured that leads me to keep it to myself than being laughed with by my own f*cking family.

Patience and understanding is a virtue but I already fed up. I can’t take it. They are stupid as like other people out there. They are nothing different with bigots out there,

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If I Die Young

I always mentioned and vainly express how blessed I am to have graceful life. I will never get tire to thank God how grateful I am to have these chances of witnessing the beauty of world by my naked eyes. But then on the shady side of story, I feel sorry to people who lose their chances; to be happy, to chase their dream,to found finally their better half and grow old.

I always picturing myself everytime I have this spare time to reflect on my room and I can’t help asking myself that despite of my fortune to witness the beauty of life and world, still, I’m in that in-between of whether I’ve pay enough some kindness back to people surrounds me and also to the one who create us – who bring us life – God. Thus, I know I’ve already done remarkable things though and it may look not relevant or splendid but I know the efforts for that and I know it seems right without people eyes stereotypes.

Many reasons to be happy and to live; and there’s always one reason to swipe it away. No particular warning and the consequences will depend on the action we’ve made.

I wanted to knew the idea of leaving the world where there is hate, discrimination, righteous incrimination, subjecting people because of their tastes and races exist. In short, what will be the life of the other world? Because I’m already fed up to understand them. To demonstrate them how respect others vices.

We are afraid of death. Quite true, right? But I wonder, What is the beauty beneath it. There is always a beauty after disaster, right? Regardless of biblical ideology or prophet preaches. What are the vogues of death. Don’t get me wrong, it seem not right but then not bad for somebody to look forward on their death, right? People tend to look upon the idea of death as despair – I don’t get it, but for me it is just another hindrances in life into whole new level. If I will given a chance to make two choices in some critical moment maybe I will choose death.

I just to inform and clarify you things. I’m a simple person with full of complicated fascination on everything; I also demote the idea of suicide. But I emphatically get why they tend to chose the idea of cutting the rope of their lives. Thus, looking for another space they can actually fits in. To be themselves without prejudice and bad judgments

Well maybe for somebody this absurd and I respect your opinion. You can call me crazy or any insults towards to me but I really don’t care.

I will always love the idea of life, but death is another form of life – still you had a life, with a ‘little’ nasty scootch.

Don’t worry, I will never end my life like I’m hopeless and bargaining  it up with no worries. I’m just preparing to that ‘what if’.

But here’s one thing, if ever that ‘moment’ of truth came and supposed that I am late to ask for forgiveness and prayers; it is unpredictable to know our life approximates – any time we can draw out our breath and God will redeemed what we borrowed to him by  tomorrow, later a minute or just a snap of fingers and a like without prior and tentative notice. As I am not articulate to express myself vocally  I will beg and ask God to take a glance on my blog. Particularly to this post.

Somehow this would be my prayer:

God thank you for the life and chances you given to me

It might look deceiving to you but all of words here are true

Countless time I’ve questioned the existance of your  power and will;

how you should justly dispersed your love

asking why  I feel excluded to your grace

feel guilty and regretful  for being discreet with my faith to your will;

and despising your preaches.

Lord, If you given me a chance to know you more

Please enlighten me to the random monologues I wanted to know 

The importance of your salvation,

How your prayers really works

How’s your love has greater than anything

And then, nonetheless I will ask for forgiveness:

On the remorse I heckles proud with.

And if you think I’m not deserve to your kingdom

If you see I’m not deserve for second life

You’re free to struck your retribution to me.

But if you let me crawl for another chance

I will never waste the time

to feel the bliss of breathe

to scorch of the ground of earthy bed

and permitting you to do anything for me

In your grace, I will surrender everything




The Calling of Servitude

All of us wanted a change. I can’t imagine the world spinning around without something new emerge — something wonderous and marvelous came above or somewhere around the corner.

Awhile ago, I had this kind of perephial dream of me on a huge crowd taking a privilage speech. I don’t know what’s it or what does it mean — it’s kinda cryptic and rare for me, why? To be honest, I’m not good speaking in public — according also to my interviewee on my last job application I have a bad communication skills. So therefore, I can say it’s kinda absurd idea that “privilage speech” thingy is actually my opposite in reality? I can’t picture myself doing that so. Hell no. 

But I don’t know, there is also something strange tingling on me. Something urge of calling that finally awaken —  I don’t know it ‘is’ really awaken or it’s just something kind of enthusiasm. That’s why I started to hurl my introductory about change.

Never in my wildest dream to become an officer, servant or anything to hold high position to govern some organization or whatsoever — but somehow I wanted to if I’ve given a chance. Why not?

Way back in my grade and high school days, I’d wanted to become part of class officer (but that is secret). Every first day of school, I’m lucky enough to be nominated in few underdog positions but not fortunate to peak one (don’t feel pity), maybe because I don’t have this “factor” or “aura”, though there has an urge of ” willingness” and “wanting” on me deep inside but I’m also stuck in “maybe not for me”.

This is my last year as a student, and for me I don’t have anything big I’ve contributed to a community where I’m included — something remarkable per say, like I’ve frequently said on my birthdays that I should do something relevant. Let’s get back on my dream — SSC (Supreme Student Council) our school organization is now looking for new aspirants to govern that said organization, and honestly, they behaving low-key recently — in other words, my fellow students could’nt feel the ” presence” of that organization which is quite true. The existance is very absent.  

I can’t help myself — I just concluded that cryptic dream is actually my calling — calling of servitude. I’m still puzzling it yet but I don’t know — just jumped on a cliff without parachute. But then, even though I had that thought or courage to do it I also starting to sort off the reasons why should not push it. Doubts, then I’m listing and refining all my flaws to give me a fuel to withhold my decision. I have no sources. No Connections. I’m not witty. I don’t have charms. The thing I could only offer is my whole self.. My dedication and willingness to serve. To brought change.

I know this is a big decision to make, I’m taking a risk. From my reputation, comfort zone and any potential challenges I will encounter — I need to made a final decision.  I need to decide so help me God.