I declare this day as a typical day. Nothing spectacular happened – a very boring day. I was just letting the time passed by, seeing the sun roll his dawn and seeing the same faces all day. Just a same old monologue.
But anyway, despite of all those drama I am very much thankful for those ‘few’ people who reached me out through social media to greet me a ‘happy birthday’. For once, I felt special again by reading those lighthearted, kind, and sweet long messages.
In my 20 years of existence, I don’t have actually a vivid or even a very remarkable birthday celebrations.(except last year when I was surprised by my buds. Hi there!) Until years passed, my birthday just went like a ‘one day stardom’ which people get approachable, get sweet towards to you and mostly know you like you were bestfriend’s from very long time. I don’t have any agony towards the idea of birthday, it is actually a perfect time to be aware to the people who surrounds you – It may seems superficial but a single phrase of greetings or a ‘hug and kisses’ from people who actually care about you is a sign of there is actually someone seeing you as relevant being. Such sweet.
I really appreciate the kind words of my friends towards to me on aspect that actually people can do as well, receiving a compliments from somebody just because you help them to cope is immeasurable value – there is no equivalent of worth of money can meet the peak of lending your hands with others.
But in other corner of story; this year was quite rough for me. It may look not obvious but I know deep down within me how dark I went by throughout this year and this is actually challenging and very conceding phase of my life.
Many things I disclose to the people around me as I just only guarding myself from harm of judgements and stereotypes which is quite irony because I am the one who also push people to move forward without turning head back. Honestly, I already felt that kind of burden before which is not heavy per say and I can manage it all the time so maybe that’s why I’m keen to default myself with that perspective. But last month was different.
In my first week of second internship – I feel sad. Empty. And broke. I can’t understand myself – I easily got irritated but not kind of obvious one. I hate hearing complaints and attacks towards to me even though I know its only a joke. There is a time that even in my own house I felt disregarded which tend me to isolate myself in my bedroom then asking myself in my mind ‘what’s and if’s’ and after I just found out that I was crying. The heavy feeling of envy makes me weak and just triggered me to burst out my tears. Days passed the scenes continue, same dilemma occured and I wasn’t that kind engage on things I usually fun to do. Not that less but I know this was not me before.
I know and I’m aware that this is early symptoms of depression – I was not that indenial due to the fact that some of psychological problems are hereditary to our bloodlines. I have courage to seek for professional help but we are not that of people who can afford of hospital utilization.(Not playing pitiful)
I know there is more progression with my ailments plus I have many conplaints about some physical ailments I feel.
I hate seeing people in burden and I hate the idea that someday I will become a ‘burden’ to my family and honestly, I am now holding on now to the idea of miracle and God’s fate. This kind of situation, the battle will be me between myself. This is not a fair game but I need to fight to live.
I have many plans for me, to others and to my family. But this is the toughest fight I will knocking on.
Prayers is the only means to endure this war. I hope that this coming year 2018 is better year for me and for us.
In the midst of cold hazy breeze
Your embrace is my favorite source of heat
Every friction of you is wonderful
Even your hands are rough as sand dunes
The way your palm run through my skin
How slickly your love pampered my delicate sin
Even my body is shaking with fear
Still, you are my favorite form of catastrophe
Growing up in not-so-perfectly intact family is hard. Pride always conquer ever hiatus and misunderstanding making the openness of every family member got compromised.
I’m in in-between of having a broken yet happy family or to be an orphan rather than had been desolated with this kind of convention wherein physically complete but soulfully divided. Sometimes I felt that I’m not part of this inclusive. Is it weird to say that I’m wishing for a plot twist of me being confessed that I’m actually adopted and suddenly my real family is ready and looking around me all over the years after I was given to my present mother who adopted me. I know its absurd but can you blame me?
I want to be freed with this chain of apathy from my own family. That ventillating your grief labeled as drama. In short, that kind of stereotypes of my family making my anxiety more depressive. I don’t know if they actually helpin’ or encouraging me or they are just like somebody out there that people’s disaster is their source of past time entertainment.
People are superficial, they will advised you that ‘you should tell it to your family’ but those tips making me pressured that leads me to keep it to myself than being laughed with by my own f*cking family.
Patience and understanding is a virtue but I already fed up. I can’t take it. They are stupid as like other people out there. They are nothing different with bigots out there,
I always mentioned and vainly express how blessed I am to have graceful life. I will never get tire to thank God how grateful I am to have these chances of witnessing the beauty of world by my naked eyes. But then on the shady side of story, I feel sorry to people who lose their chances; to be happy, to chase their dream,to found finally their better half and grow old.
I always picturing myself everytime I have this spare time to reflect on my room and I can’t help asking myself that despite of my fortune to witness the beauty of life and world, still, I’m in that in-between of whether I’ve pay enough some kindness back to people surrounds me and also to the one who create us – who bring us life – God. Thus, I know I’ve already done remarkable things though and it may look not relevant or splendid but I know the efforts for that and I know it seems right without people eyes stereotypes.
Many reasons to be happy and to live; and there’s always one reason to swipe it away. No particular warning and the consequences will depend on the action we’ve made.
I wanted to knew the idea of leaving the world where there is hate, discrimination, righteous incrimination, subjecting people because of their tastes and races exist. In short, what will be the life of the other world? Because I’m already fed up to understand them. To demonstrate them how respect others vices.
We are afraid of death. Quite true, right? But I wonder, What is the beauty beneath it. There is always a beauty after disaster, right? Regardless of biblical ideology or prophet preaches. What are the vogues of death. Don’t get me wrong, it seem not right but then not bad for somebody to look forward on their death, right? People tend to look upon the idea of death as despair – I don’t get it, but for me it is just another hindrances in life into whole new level. If I will given a chance to make two choices in some critical moment maybe I will choose death.
I just to inform and clarify you things. I’m a simple person with full of complicated fascination on everything; I also demote the idea of suicide. But I emphatically get why they tend to chose the idea of cutting the rope of their lives. Thus, looking for another space they can actually fits in. To be themselves without prejudice and bad judgments
Well maybe for somebody this absurd and I respect your opinion. You can call me crazy or any insults towards to me but I really don’t care.
I will always love the idea of life, but death is another form of life – still you had a life, with a ‘little’ nasty scootch.
Don’t worry, I will never end my life like I’m hopeless and bargaining it up with no worries. I’m just preparing to that ‘what if’.
But here’s one thing, if ever that ‘moment’ of truth came and supposed that I am late to ask for forgiveness and prayers; it is unpredictable to know our life approximates – any time we can draw out our breath and God will redeemed what we borrowed to him by tomorrow, later a minute or just a snap of fingers and a like without prior and tentative notice. As I am not articulate to express myself vocally I will beg and ask God to take a glance on my blog. Particularly to this post.
Somehow this would be my prayer:
God thank you for the life and chances you given to me
It might look deceiving to you but all of words here are true
Countless time I’ve questioned the existance of your power and will;
how you should justly dispersed your love
asking why I feel excluded to your grace
feel guilty and regretful for being discreet with my faith to your will;
and despising your preaches.
Lord, If you given me a chance to know you more
Please enlighten me to the random monologues I wanted to know
The importance of your salvation,
How your prayers really works
How’s your love has greater than anything
And then, nonetheless I will ask for forgiveness:
On the remorse I heckles proud with.
And if you think I’m not deserve to your kingdom
If you see I’m not deserve for second life
You’re free to struck your retribution to me.
But if you let me crawl for another chance
I will never waste the time
to feel the bliss of breathe
to scorch of the ground of earthy bed
and permitting you to do anything for me
In your grace, I will surrender everything
All of us wanted a change. I can’t imagine the world spinning around without something new emerge — something wonderous and marvelous came above or somewhere around the corner.
Awhile ago, I had this kind of perephial dream of me on a huge crowd taking a privilage speech. I don’t know what’s it or what does it mean — it’s kinda cryptic and rare for me, why? To be honest, I’m not good speaking in public — according also to my interviewee on my last job application I have a bad communication skills. So therefore, I can say it’s kinda absurd idea that “privilage speech” thingy is actually my opposite in reality? I can’t picture myself doing that so. Hell no.
But I don’t know, there is also something strange tingling on me. Something urge of calling that finally awaken — I don’t know it ‘is’ really awaken or it’s just something kind of enthusiasm. That’s why I started to hurl my introductory about change.
Never in my wildest dream to become an officer, servant or anything to hold high position to govern some organization or whatsoever — but somehow I wanted to if I’ve given a chance. Why not?
Way back in my grade and high school days, I’d wanted to become part of class officer (but that is secret). Every first day of school, I’m lucky enough to be nominated in few underdog positions but not fortunate to peak one (don’t feel pity), maybe because I don’t have this “factor” or “aura”, though there has an urge of ” willingness” and “wanting” on me deep inside but I’m also stuck in “maybe not for me”.
This is my last year as a student, and for me I don’t have anything big I’ve contributed to a community where I’m included — something remarkable per say, like I’ve frequently said on my birthdays that I should do something relevant. Let’s get back on my dream — SSC (Supreme Student Council) our school organization is now looking for new aspirants to govern that said organization, and honestly, they behaving low-key recently — in other words, my fellow students could’nt feel the ” presence” of that organization which is quite true. The existance is very absent.
I can’t help myself — I just concluded that cryptic dream is actually my calling — calling of servitude. I’m still puzzling it yet but I don’t know — just jumped on a cliff without parachute. But then, even though I had that thought or courage to do it I also starting to sort off the reasons why should not push it. Doubts, then I’m listing and refining all my flaws to give me a fuel to withhold my decision. I have no sources. No Connections. I’m not witty. I don’t have charms. The thing I could only offer is my whole self.. My dedication and willingness to serve. To brought change.
I know this is a big decision to make, I’m taking a risk. From my reputation, comfort zone and any potential challenges I will encounter — I need to made a final decision. I need to decide so help me God.
Burying my face in your chest and sniffing your cheap perfume is everything.