Do I Still Have a Worth?

Growing up in not-so-perfectly intact family is hard. Pride always conquer ever hiatus and misunderstanding making the openness of every family member got compromised.

I’m in in-between of having a broken yet happy family or to be an orphan rather than had been desolated with this kind of convention wherein physically complete but soulfully divided. Sometimes I felt that I’m not part of this inclusive. Is it weird to say that I’m wishing for a plot twist of me being confessed that I’m actually adopted and suddenly my real family is ready and looking around me all over the years after I was given to my present mother who adopted me. I know its absurd but can you blame me?

I want to be freed with this chain of apathy from my own family. That ventillating your grief labeled as drama. In short, that kind of stereotypes of my family making my anxiety more depressive. I don’t know if they actually helpin’ or encouraging me or they are just like somebody out there that people’s disaster is their source of past time entertainment.

People are superficial, they will advised you that ‘you should tell it to your family’ but those tips making me pressured that leads me to keep it to myself than being laughed with by my own f*cking family.

Patience and understanding is a virtue but I already fed up. I can’t take it. They are stupid as like other people out there. They are nothing different with bigots out there,

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If I Die Young

I always mentioned and vainly express how blessed I am to have graceful life. I will never get tire to thank God how grateful I am to have these chances of witnessing the beauty of world by my naked eyes. But then on the shady side of story, I feel sorry to people who lose their chances; to be happy, to chase their dream,to found finally their better half and grow old.

I always picturing myself everytime I have this spare time to reflect on my room and I can’t help asking myself that despite of my fortune to witness the beauty of life and world, still, I’m in that in-between of whether I’ve pay enough some kindness back to people surrounds me and also to the one who create us – who bring us life – God. Thus, I know I’ve already done remarkable things though and it may look not relevant or splendid but I know the efforts for that and I know it seems right without people eyes stereotypes.

Many reasons to be happy and to live; and there’s always one reason to swipe it away. No particular warning and the consequences will depend on the action we’ve made.

I wanted to knew the idea of leaving the world where there is hate, discrimination, righteous incrimination, subjecting people because of their tastes and races exist. In short, what will be the life of the other world? Because I’m already fed up to understand them. To demonstrate them how respect others vices.

We are afraid of death. Quite true, right? But I wonder, What is the beauty beneath it. There is always a beauty after disaster, right? Regardless of biblical ideology or prophet preaches. What are the vogues of death. Don’t get me wrong, it seem not right but then not bad for somebody to look forward on their death, right? People tend to look upon the idea of death as despair – I don’t get it, but for me it is just another hindrances in life into whole new level. If I will given a chance to make two choices in some critical moment maybe I will choose death.

I just to inform and clarify you things. I’m a simple person with full of complicated fascination on everything; I also demote the idea of suicide. But I emphatically get why they tend to chose the idea of cutting the rope of their lives. Thus, looking for another space they can actually fits in. To be themselves without prejudice and bad judgments

Well maybe for somebody this absurd and I respect your opinion. You can call me crazy or any insults towards to me but I really don’t care.

I will always love the idea of life, but death is another form of life – still you had a life, with a ‘little’ nasty scootch.

Don’t worry, I will never end my life like I’m hopeless and bargaining  it up with no worries. I’m just preparing to that ‘what if’.

But here’s one thing, if ever that ‘moment’ of truth came and supposed that I am late to ask for forgiveness and prayers; it is unpredictable to know our life approximates – any time we can draw out our breath and God will redeemed what we borrowed to him by  tomorrow, later a minute or just a snap of fingers and a like without prior and tentative notice. As I am not articulate to express myself vocally  I will beg and ask God to take a glance on my blog. Particularly to this post.

Somehow this would be my prayer:

God thank you for the life and chances you given to me

It might look deceiving to you but all of words here are true

Countless time I’ve questioned the existance of your  power and will;

how you should justly dispersed your love

asking why  I feel excluded to your grace

feel guilty and regretful  for being discreet with my faith to your will;

and despising your preaches.

Lord, If you given me a chance to know you more

Please enlighten me to the random monologues I wanted to know 

The importance of your salvation,

How your prayers really works

How’s your love has greater than anything

And then, nonetheless I will ask for forgiveness:

On the remorse I heckles proud with.

And if you think I’m not deserve to your kingdom

If you see I’m not deserve for second life

You’re free to struck your retribution to me.

But if you let me crawl for another chance

I will never waste the time

to feel the bliss of breathe

to scorch of the ground of earthy bed

and permitting you to do anything for me

In your grace, I will surrender everything




The Calling of Servitude

All of us wanted a change. I can’t imagine the world spinning around without something new emerge — something wonderous and marvelous came above or somewhere around the corner.

Awhile ago, I had this kind of perephial dream of me on a huge crowd taking a privilage speech. I don’t know what’s it or what does it mean — it’s kinda cryptic and rare for me, why? To be honest, I’m not good speaking in public — according also to my interviewee on my last job application I have a bad communication skills. So therefore, I can say it’s kinda absurd idea that “privilage speech” thingy is actually my opposite in reality? I can’t picture myself doing that so. Hell no. 

But I don’t know, there is also something strange tingling on me. Something urge of calling that finally awaken —  I don’t know it ‘is’ really awaken or it’s just something kind of enthusiasm. That’s why I started to hurl my introductory about change.

Never in my wildest dream to become an officer, servant or anything to hold high position to govern some organization or whatsoever — but somehow I wanted to if I’ve given a chance. Why not?

Way back in my grade and high school days, I’d wanted to become part of class officer (but that is secret). Every first day of school, I’m lucky enough to be nominated in few underdog positions but not fortunate to peak one (don’t feel pity), maybe because I don’t have this “factor” or “aura”, though there has an urge of ” willingness” and “wanting” on me deep inside but I’m also stuck in “maybe not for me”.

This is my last year as a student, and for me I don’t have anything big I’ve contributed to a community where I’m included — something remarkable per say, like I’ve frequently said on my birthdays that I should do something relevant. Let’s get back on my dream — SSC (Supreme Student Council) our school organization is now looking for new aspirants to govern that said organization, and honestly, they behaving low-key recently — in other words, my fellow students could’nt feel the ” presence” of that organization which is quite true. The existance is very absent.  

I can’t help myself — I just concluded that cryptic dream is actually my calling — calling of servitude. I’m still puzzling it yet but I don’t know — just jumped on a cliff without parachute. But then, even though I had that thought or courage to do it I also starting to sort off the reasons why should not push it. Doubts, then I’m listing and refining all my flaws to give me a fuel to withhold my decision. I have no sources. No Connections. I’m not witty. I don’t have charms. The thing I could only offer is my whole self.. My dedication and willingness to serve. To brought change.

I know this is a big decision to make, I’m taking a risk. From my reputation, comfort zone and any potential challenges I will encounter — I need to made a final decision.  I need to decide so help me God.

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Monologue #3

We’re naturally born “unique”, and we can do something “extraordinary”. But to be  “unusual” is  exceptional. What are things makes us unusual? I have no idea. However, All I know is being unusal is absolute, not for all but for the few who look deeper to you.


Monologue #1

When cold winds blow

Sadness will start to howl

His nasty words had been thrown

Rewinding like a turbulent of waters flow

Every sound of the shore

Is an eye getting sore

So the love will stop to grow

And heartbeat start to slow

The loneliness is unbearable

And you have no choice but to let go